Friday, 5 January 2018

The Newest Of Years


What a year it's been! Now is when I'm meant to be thinking about my new years resolutions right? That's totally something people do, but does anyone actually stick with their resolutions? 

I think for myself, I'd like to set reasonable goals that I actually feel I can achieve, things that are important to me, not crazy weight loss or giving up addictions (hello, coffee!) and silly things like that. More like, I want to be a more positive person. There is so much negativity in the world and in our lives, I want to be the person who smiles at strangers and gives people compliments. I want to be the positive change!

Other things I would like to achieve are just little things such as remembering to make my bed in the morning. There is something about coming home to a made bed that makes me feel good. Like even with all of the chaos going on in the world, I can come home to an almost decent house. The same goes for doing the dishes. If I can just remember to do the dishes every night before bed, they won't stack up on the bench and annoy me. 

I am also aiming to be more in control of my eating habits. I currently follow the keto lifestyle (also known as banting or LCHF- Low Carb High Fat) and I love it. I sleep better, I have more energy and I have lost weight. The problem is, it's very easy to give in to crappy food and bad influences. I'm blaming no one but myself because only I can decide what to eat and fuel my body with. So part of my goals for 2018 is to eat healthier and be in control of my food choices. 

As they say, it's the little things in life. 

I feel like, with all of the changes I've been through this year, moving house, receiving help for my mental health, my diet change and changes in my relationships, I want to make 2018 the year for me. I want to focus on being a better person for myself and my son. I figure if I can do that, everything else will fall into place. 

What are things you want to change or make your goals?

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Sewing: Full Circle Skirt

I've always wanted a beautiful full circle skirt, but have never been able to find one in the shops that I just love. I've noticed that a lot of them are either elastic waist band, or attached to a top and made into a dress. So, I decided to try my hand at making my own.

For this project you'll need:

Matching thread
Sewing Machine with needle
Measuring tape
Pen or pencil
Fabric scissors
Sewing pins

Firstly, you'll need to know your measurements so you know how much fabric to buy. I actually did mine a little backwards, I bought my fabric cheap, then decided I wanted to make a skirt. Thankfully I had just enough!

Anyway, I used By Hand London's calculator to work out how much material I would need, how to cut it, and how big to make the waist etc. 

Using my waist measurement, 110cm, and asking for a midi length skirt, this is the maths I ended up with:

Now for me, because my radius doesn't fit onto standard material, I couldn't do one piece of material, I had to cut out 2 semi circles and stick them together. To make things easier, and to ensure I had even pieces once I cut them out, I folded my fabric in half, right sides together, and drew my quarter circle in the corner, like this;

Make sure you wash, dry and iron your fabric first! Doing this ensures it is preshrunk (saves finding this out after you've made the garment, and it not fitting), and ironing it makes sure that your fabric is nice and flat, reducing it being misshapen and ruining your garment. 
I didn't bother with making a pattern for this, I drew straight onto the fabric and worked it out as I went. I used a 1.5cm seam allowance for all of my edges. A flexible measuring tape worked well for me, but use what you have.

I then pinned my folded fabric together, so the two layers I was cutting stayed together, then cut out the quarter circle from each piece of material. This gave me two semi circles that I could sew together.

As I mentioned earlier, I don't generally like elastic waistbands for me, as I find they bunch up and hide the little bit of waist I have, so I prefer to have a fitted one. As my waist is 110cm, my strip of fabric would need to be that long, plus seam allowance (1.5cm either side, so 3cm total) and as wide as I wanted. I was a little limited in the width, because I had to use whatever fabric I had left. It ended up being about 6cm wide. 

Fold over your waistband (longways) right sides together and iron flat. Then pin everything in place and get ready to sew. 
Following the guide lines on your machine, sew all the way around like this, making sure to leave a gap so we can turn the waistband in the right way.

Once all sewn together, snip the corners off (as per the diagram below, I've marked it in red. Just make sure not to cut too close to your sewn line), and turn inside out. Use a pencil or chop stick or something similar to turn your corners out really well. Once all done, back to the ironing board! Iron that baby flat and beautiful. Where you haven't sewn (the gap where you turned it inside out),  make sure the raw (unfinished) edges are turned in, and iron flat. Ta Da! Waistband is done. Onto the skirt!

Firstly we need to sew our two semi circles together, to form our skirt. The easiest way to do this is to place the two pieces right sides together, pin the edges (where you're going to sew) together, and wiz it through the machine. Make sure you're securing the ends of the sewn lines by going back and forth over it (sew in a straight line forward, flick your reverse switch, sew a few stitches backwards, then forwards and continue on like normal). Onto the pleats!

Right, now this part will be hard to explain for me, because I made it up as I went! 
<-- Here is a quick explanation of the types of pleats, I used box pleats. 

My pleats were 10cm in width, so I marked out every 10cm around my waistband, and followed these instructions! 

If you're not interested in doing pleats and would rather have an elastic waistband, you can't! Mwhahahah, no but seriously, your waistband would be completely different. I'll make a note down the bottom for you though.

Now it took me a few goes to get my pleats right, so make sure you are moving your marks correctly, and pinning securely in place. 
There is nothing worse that sewing it together and realising something was off, then having to unpick everything. #sewingtruth

Here are my finished pleats, I've tacked them together using a simple straight stitch. As you can see, I have left a gap in between each pleat. This is because I made my pleats so wide. But you do whatever you like.

Now the not so fun part, ironing the pleats. This nearly killed me! It was so tedious and annoying, but well worth the effort. The final result was much better than I expected.

Onto adding the waistband! Pin one end of your waist band into place at the back seam, so the ends match up. Then pin the waistband in place all the way around your skirt. The waistband should end up being the same length as your skirt now, because of the pleating. Once it's all pinned, sew into place. 

Woo, waistband it done! Now for the zipper. Okay, so there are two main types of zip that we could use for this project: standard zip, or invisible zip. The standard zipper will be seen, as the teeth sit outside of the garment. The invisible zipper is sewn into the side seam, and so the seam closes over and the zip can't be seen! This is the one I did. Now I am sure I do zippers wrong, so instead of trying to teach you my way, here's a tutorial! (Ps, I love So Sew Easy!) Okay, all done? Let's move on...

All that is left to do is the hem! Fold over the bottom raw edge of the skirt (fold it in so wrong sides are touching), press with your iron and pin into place. If you like you can fold it over again so the raw edges are hidden. Once you have pressed and pinned the whole hem, sew a straight stitch and even distance from the edge to secure! I generally do my hems at 1.5cm in, but you do whatever you like the look of.

A final press and we're all good to go!

So, it fits me like a glove, has a wonderful twirl to it, and I pretty much just love it! I'll be making a structured tank top to go with it, in the same fabric.
Next up on the project list is a pencil skirt sloper and resulting skirt. Alex and I went to Spotlight and found some amazing fabric, cannot wait to show you what it looks like!

Much Love,

J xx

Sunday, 22 November 2015

So You Sew...

Being a mum I've realised that my money needs to spread further than ever before. With bills, food, nappies and the like, clothes are not on the top of my agenda. Yes, I op shop shop when I can, but I can't always make it out of the house on time. Which lead me to my newest venture, learning to sew.

There are so many tutorials online for different sewing projects, from basic circle skirts, to more complex options such as jackets and cargo pants. I started with the easiest thing I could think of, leggings. On one of my op shopping adventures, I found some black and white knit material, and thought it would be perfect to practice with.

I set about looking online for a simple tutorial, then just followed the steps. Pretty simple really. I'm not the best at reading patterns, so I tend to make my own. If you already have a pattern for leggings, feel free to follow that instead.

1) Find a pair of leggings in the size you want to make. Mine are a 00, but tight fitting, if you want them to be looser around the leg, just add a bit of extra space in your pattern. Fold them in half. Trace around them on some paper. Add a 1.5cm edge - this will be for hemming and sewing the bits together. 

2) Pin your awesome new pattern to your material, then cut out. When pinning, try not to bunch the fabric, this can cause your pattern to be uneven. Because my material has horizontal stripes, I cut out one piece, matched the stripes, then cut out the other one. I wanted to make sure the stripes were all aligned.

3)Fold up the edges of the legs and press with an iron (heated according to fabric type). Sew up the bottom hems on both separate legs. Doing it now saves us having to do it later when everything is sewn together. When sewing with a machine, make sure you go back and forth a couple of times over the start and the end of the stitching. This means it will be less likely to undo.

4) Lay the pieces out flat, right sides together (patterned side for me). We're going to sew the front and back crotch pieces together. I forgot to take a photo, so here is my super crappy paint version. Sew all the way from the top to the bottom, remembering to sew 1.5cm in from the edge (this was our seam allowance in our pattern).

4) Now open the pieces out so the crotch seam is in the middle, like here <--We're now going to sew up from the bottom of one leg, up, then back down the other leg.

Once you reach the top of the crotch, where the pieces are already sewn together, stop. Make sure your needle is down (in the fabric), then turn the leggings, so you can sew down the other leg.

Try to keep your lines straight, as this will be the shape of the legs.

5) Time to create our waistband! If you have a baby to measure, then go ahead and measure their waist. Keep the elastic long for the moment, but mark on it where you need to sew it together.
6) Fold down the waistband, leaving enough room to thread the elastic through, and press. Now sew along the raw edge (make sure you are still leaving enough room to thread your elastic), but ensure to leave a gap so you can actually fit it through!

7) Grab your elastic and thread it through. It might help to attach a safety pin to the end to make it easier to grab. Just be careful not to stab yourself like I did!

8) Once your elastic is through, trim it to size and sew it together (at the spot you marked).
It's best to sew it like this:

9) Now you just need to sew the gap closed, making sure you don't sew over the elastic. All done!

These are so easy to make. Yes, baby leggings can be cheap to buy, but some times you just want something a little different. So why not have a go! Theo clearly enjoys his... 



Mumma T xx

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Theodore Maxwell, The Story So Far

I won't lie, I'll probably have to rewrite this post dozens of times, I will probably cry a lot while writing it, and I will probably have to stop to feed Theo, so this may take a while. 

I feel like the only place I could start is the very beginning, when Justin and I made the decision to start a family. Now, I'll probably share a few too many gory or graphic details, so if this might offend you, please move along. My aim is not to upset anyone, but for me to share my story, and help myself grieve. You've probably read grieve and thought to yourself 'Oh no, but I thought the baby was okay?', he is, but I'm grieving for the loss of the birth I wanted. You'll see what I mean by the end of this.

So, it was mid September 2014 when Justin and I deciding we were ready to start trying for a baby, to make ourselves a family. I had had an Implanon for about 6 years, so the first step was to have that removed. The only side effect I had from my Implanon was that I hadn't had a menstrual cycle since I had the first one put in, 6 years ago. When I was waiting to have it removed, the doctor was warning me of all of the possible effects, and how long it might take us to conceive. Now and behold, 28 days later I started my cycle, and after 5 days it was over. Shortly after that I fell pregnant. 

Funny thing, we Australians say 'fell pregnant', like we fell down a step. Strange. Anyway I digress.

I remember driving home from work on a Monday night thinking to myself, something wasn't right. I was expecting to start my period over a week ago, and still nothing. I can't possibly be pregnant already...can I? I stopped in at the local Safeway to buy a pregnancy test (actually, I bought 3, just to be sure) and carried on my way home. Cloe was still living with us then, so I said hi as I walked to our room. She was cooking herself dinner before going off for a workout. Odd the things we remember.

I sat down on the toilet and pee'd on the stick. The wait was agonizing. It felt like hours, but in reality was only minutes. I sat and stared at that stick until I saw the lines appear. I had to read and reread the instructions on the box to make sure I wasn't imagining things. I started crying straight away. I was pregnant. I was going to have a little baby. We were going to be a family. Justin was at work, and the only thing I could think to do was send him a text. Heartless I know, but I couldn't form verbal words, so written ones were the best I could manage. I took a photo of the test, and sent it to him at work.

After washing my hands and collapsing on the bed, I did the only thing I could think to do, I called Alex. Besides Justin, Alex was the only other person I wanted to talk to about it. I remember just blurting it out to her, like 'Hey how's it going, I'm pregnant'. Alex told me she'd be right over, and that she was. She took me down to my local doctors to have a blood test and pee test done to confirm everything. Then she waited with me at the pathologist while I had my blood taken, and drove me home again.

We sat on my outside couch, both of us in shock and disbelief. I was carrying a tiny life in my belly. We laughed about what Justin and I would be like as parents, and Alex made me feel so calm and at ease, in what was a shocking and exciting time. I feel that without her there, I probably would have lost my cool. So Alex, thank you for being the best friend I could ask for.

Three days later I returned to the doctors to collect my results. Yes, congratulations Miss Taulien, you're going to have a baby. He handed me a piece of paper and sent me on my way. I had no idea what to do next, so took to the internet to look for a hospital. I wanted to birth at the Angliss, which meant filling out forms for Eastern Health. Little did I know, filling out the forms online meant that a computer decided which hospital I would be booked into. Box Hill was where it sent me, as it classed me as 'high risk'. 

Now, I'm sure most of you reading this know of Box Hill and think it's great, well, I did not have a positive experience there, so to me it's not. Which means when I write about the hospital, it may not always have a positive spin on things. This doesn't mean it's not a great place to have your baby. It just wasn't for me.

So after a few appointments at my local GP, it was time for our first ultrasound. We would finally see the baby growing in my belly. Justin and I waited anxiously for my name to be called. The tech called us in, introduced herself and her student and got on their way. The tech was lovely and explained everything for us. I'm sure I was annoying with all of the questions I was asking. What's that? Why are you measuring this? What view is that? You get my drift. But I wanted to know everything I possibly could. 

She wasn't able to take all of the measurements, so we were booked in for a follow up appointment the next week, in hopes that Pudge had grown some and it would be easier to take all of the measurements. That was fine with me, it meant seeing my tiny baby bean twice! He didn't disappoint, after wiggling like mad, he settled down and the measurements were taken. We didn't know he was a he at the time, and I was sure it was a girl. I so badly wanted a girl. 

The start of my soon to be huge baby belly. Justin was already in love with our baby.
The next few weeks flew by. Christmas came and went, Cloe moved out, I told my boss I was expecting, I started taking belly progress shots. You know, the normal life things were happening. My belly was slowly growing. At first I didn't want to take any photos, and actually I made every effort to avoid being in photos full stop, or if I was in them, I took them from shoulder height so nothing could be seen. But then I realised, even though I don't like how my body looks, my child might one day like to see their life progress, just like I love looking back at old photos of my parents when my mum was pregnant with me.

I started at 15 weeks I think. That's when I first started to notice a change in how I looked. Thankfully I had been very lucky and suffered from no morning sickness, no food cravings or aversions, but that mean that the start of my belly was the only thing that made me feel pregnant. I used to lie in bed and cry because it didn't feel real. I had no proof. Except for all of the test results and scans... 

Anyway, here are a few of my progress shots. Most of you would never have seen these before. Enjoy. L-R: 15w, 16w & 19w.


Around 28 weeks I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I was devastated. How dare my body fail me, I had been doing everything right. I was eating healthy, I was exercising, I was drinking lots of water, and trying to have 8hrs of sleep a night. Why did this have to happen to me? Well it did, and it sucked. I was put on insulin, and had to return for follow up visits to the hospital for 'education'. I hated that hospital with a burning passion. I could never find street parking, so had to park in the basement level, which charges an arm and a leg. So every time they wanted me to come in for something trivial, it just made me hate them even more.

At 33 weeks I was told by one of the doctors I would be induced. The way he said it was like I had no choice in the matter, my body would never work right, and they had to force my baby out of me. I was explained what would happen, and why and was told it would be when I was 38 weeks, give a day either side. 
My very last belly shot
Well, I had an appointment at 37 weeks, and was asked if I had thought about induction. Are you kidding me people? I was told I had to, and now you're telling me I have a choice? I have already organised everything around this. But because the previous doc hadn't made any notes, or booked me in, nothing had been organised, and according to the hospital records, I wasn't going to be induced. Thankfully there was a locum doctor working in the ward, and could squeeze me in for a check up, and to book me in for my induction. I cannot for the life of me remember her name, but I will forever be grateful to her. Justin couldn't be at that appointment with me, and having them tell me that nothing had been organised, ripped me apart. I had planned everything, I had mentally prepared myself for this to happen. So I was booked in for Monday 3rd August.

That last week dragged like nobody's business. I was already on maternity leave from work, so all I could do was sit around and twiddle my thumbs. The Sunday came and that night, lying in bed, I cried. I was so scared for what was going to happen to me the next night. I was so close to having my baby, and I both was and wasn't ready for it. We had made the decision that Justin would work the Monday night, because it was very unlikely that I would go into labour that day. So we had organised for Sarah to come and pick me up from home and take me to the hospital, and Justin would come see me the next day.

I was freaking out the whole car ride to the hospital, thankfully Sarah realised and kept me sidetracked. We were running early, so stopped to buy a coffee from a 7-11 along the way. Which turned out to be 10 mins away, but it was perfectly fine. It was exactly what I needed. We arrived at the hospital, and after a short wait, we were shown the room I would be staying in for the night. A shared room. I was gutted. This was such a special night for me, I didn't want to share it with strangers! Thankfully, the girl opposite me was discharged a short while later.

Sharie was the nurse who admitted me that Monday night. I liked her, she was brash and to the point, but made us both smile as well. Sarah hung around for a few hours keeping me company. We coloured and chatted. Made small talk about everything and nothing. She made me laugh when I didn't think I had a funny bone left in my body. At about 6pm, I had the first lot of gel applied to my cervix. I was still completely closed, and Sharie didn't think I would start during the night. She left and so did Sarah, I was back to being by myself. I tried to distract myself by reading a book. Nothing kept me interested for very long.

The night shift nurse Talitha arrived, and she was a breath of fresh air. She was bubbly and made me feel instantly at ease. She would check up on me periodically during the night, and at about midnight, or just passed, I had the second lot of gel applied by the resident. Then I was hooked up on monitors, and told to get some rest. Fat chance of that happening! I was so uncomfortable, and because I was being monitored, I couldn't move otherwise the machines went haywire. It was a long night filled with check ups and 10 minute naps here and there. The morning came, and my nurse was now Sarah, a lovely demure lady. She told me to have a shower and freshen up, then it was onto the birthing ward.

Justin still hadn't arrived, mum was no where near to being at the hospital, and dad was at the station somewhere. I was calm, excited, and terrified all at once. My room was big and open, but no birthing bath which was disappointing, but the hospital wagers that induced mothers have to be monitored, and monitors can't go in the water. So I sat on the bed and started reading my book, trying to keep my mind occupied. 

Sharie was back as the lead nurse on my birth, and damn was it nice to have a familiar face. I had a doctor come in and break my waters. Now if you've never had it done, I 10 out of 10 do not recommend. If you imagine a really tightly pulled rubber band, being twung, inside you. But worse. It actually made me dry retch. The doctor tried again and again, but I had no fluids release. She was sure my waters had broken previously, but lady, trust me, they hadn't. Never mind what I think, she left and came back 10 minutes later to try again. Tell you what though, she's lucky I didn't slap her one. 

Anyway, once they had broken my waters, I was left to my own devices for about half an hour, to see if my labor would come on naturally. Unfortunately little Theo was a bit too comfortable in there, and wouldn't budge. This meant being chemically induced. I was hooked up to a drip containing Pitocin, which is the artificial version of Oxytocin, the hormone that starts labor. I went back to reading my book while the drugs started pumping into my body.

I don't remember who arrived first, but just remember everyone being there all of a sudden. This is where things get a little blurry. I know what happened, but I forget in which order. I'll try my best, so bear with me.

I remember sitting on the bed, and I kept having to readjust how I was sitting because my back kept getting sore. Because I had no idea what contractions felt like I presumed it was just my sciatica playing up. The nurses walked in a few times and saw me fidgeting, when finally one of them asked if I was okay. Told her my back was just a bit sore, but not to worry it was normal. She asked me if the pain came and went, and what it felt like. I said it felt like pressure, and yes it was coming and going. She had a little smirk on her face and said 'You're having contractions'.

Holy crap I'm having contractions. This was it. Everything was starting. I think this is when Justin and Sarah arrived. I was given the gas to help with the pain, but it did nothing. I just ended up vomiting from it. Though it could have also been the fact I can't keep things in my mouth (like lollipops) and you need to keep the gas tube in your mouth and breathe in and out through it. Either way it didn't take long until the desire to push started to take over.

The midwives and doctor came in to check on me, and it was decided I wasn't dilated enough, and therefore couldn't push. But how do you not push when that's all your body wants to do. Every fibre of my being wanted to push. No, needed to push. Why you have an epidural of course! 

An epidural works to reduce the feeling of pushing, it works for some, and not for others. Everyone is different. The only trouble was, I was already in full blown contractions when they had to administer mine. Which meant sitting incredibly still, and having to arch my back a certain way, to enable the guy (JK his name was) to find the right spot in my spine to stick the giant needle. All while going through body thrashing contractions.

Sarah and Justin had to stand in front of my and hold me still. I just remember crying telling him to hurry up because it was getting worse. I felt the stab of the needle, then nothing. The feeling of pushing had gone, and I finally felt calm. I think that's when mum arrived. Dad arrived shortly after, carrying a Subway bag. He had been looking at the shops while waiting for me to tell him it was okay to come to the hospital. I was lying on the bed on my right side, calm as a daisy, chatting away to everyone like it was nothing. Labor shlabor.

That didn't last long though. I soon started feeling the need to push again. They'd told me that when I feel the contraction coming, to push the little button connected to the epi, and it would help dull the pain. I was pressing the button but nothing was happening. I didn't actually realise I was pressing it until mum asked me if I felt alright. She was sitting next to me and we were just talking about nonsense. Sarah had left, Justin and Dad were wandering the hospital. 

Mum said to me, 'You're having contractions aren't you?', Yeah mum, of course I am. But apparently I shouldn't have been able to feel them. Mum started timing them, and told the midwife. She said that she would check on me in another 45 mins. A few minutes later, as my contractions continued, she returned. Mum urged her to check me now, as my contractions were 30 seconds long and 2 minutes apart. She agreed and checked my cervix. She looked up at me and said 'You can have your baby now!". I nodded and asked if this meant I could push, she said yes, and I screamed. You see, we couldn't afford the birthing classes they offered, so I had no idea how to push or what to do, 

The midwives who were looking after me were some of the most amazing people I will ever meet. They taught me how to breathe, and push while I was having a baby. At first I was pushing with every contraction, but then I was going to fast, and they were worried that Theo would suffer distress, so I was told only to push on every second contraction. Mum grabbed Justin so he could be in the room with me, and swapped, opting to sit in the waiting room with my dad.

Our doctor was Amy, and she was amazing. Every time I pushed, it was 2 steps forward, and one step back. Pudge just wouldn't budge. He became stuck in my birth canal and we needed to use interventions and fast. First Amy tried the forceps, she could fit the first one in and around the side of his head, but not the second one. She tried 3 times before apologising and changing to the vacuum. I would push and she would suction. I could hear the other doctor talk about prepping the OR in 2 minutes, if I couldn't get his head out. Hearing that gave me all the energy I needed. I was determined not to have a cesarean. It took what felt like ages, but eventually Theo's head was birthed, and there was no more talk of an emergency c-section.

His cord was wrapped around his neck twice, then once around his arm. As he came down my canal, the cord tightened and became a noose. It was cut immediately, but the trouble didn't stop there. Now his shoulders were stuck. All I felt was burning pain. I can't think of another way to describe it. Once his shoulders were out, they dropped him onto my tummy, but immediately took him away from me. Theo was born with no heart beat and not breathing. 

A Code Blue was called, and the response team ran into the room. Theodore was moved over to the special bed they have set up for babies who need help. I remember looking at Justin who was on my left side, smiling and crying, then looking over to the right, and seeing my little lifeless baby. They were doing compressions on his tiny chest, trying to get his heart rate up. He was intubated from 1 minute of life, and the compressions lasted for 11 minutes. - I didn't know this until I read it in our discharge papers over a week later. - Of course I started freaking out, which I think the midwives noticed, as one of them stood in my line of sight, and explained that Theodore needed a bit of extra help. She didn't tell me why, or what could happen. 

Amy tried to get me to concentrate on the tasks at hand. I still had yet to birth the placenta, plus as I had suffered a grade 3 tear, and been given an episiotomy, so I required stitches. I had to lie there, unable to move, not being told what was wrong with my son, while everyone ran around like mad men around me. 

Justin kept me sane, talking to me about how much of an amazing job I had done, and how proud he was of me. I birthed the placenta no problem, then it was time for the stitches. As Amy was starting, she said to me to tell her if I feel any pinching. I could feel every damn stitch. I told her I could feel the pinching, so she administered more local and kept sewing. I could still feel everything, so more local, and back to sewing. After this, even though I could still feel everything, I kept my mouth shut, in hopes it would be over quicker. Afterwards I highfived Amy, telling her she had done a great job. Apparently high fiving your doctor whilst she's covered in blood and afterbirth, is not a normal thing. But hey.

Justin left to room to go and see Theodore, and I was left alone for the first time in what felt like weeks. I had been so calm during everything, it suddenly hit me. I had just given birth to a baby boy, and he might not survive. I could do nothing but cry. Giant wailing sobs. Annabel walked in and found me a sobbing mess. She managed to calm me down, and even get me to laugh. She explained what had happened to Theo, and what would be happening now. We were waiting for the NETs team to transport Theo to a NUCI for specialised care, they were just trying to find a hospital with a bed.

Already sleeping hahaha
Eating dinner just chilling.
The hospital staff bought me dinner, and mum, dad and Justin came back into the room. We chatted about things, like the fact that the chair was comfortable, and you could probably sleep in it (which Justin later did). We talked about the food, dad tried to steal some of my lasagna, but I smacked him with my fork. It was like nothing had happened. Everything was normal again. I was still waiting to find out if I was allowed to get out of bed and go see my son, but everything was relatively normal.

A short while later, the midwife came in to tell me the NETS team was there and they were going to be taking him to The Royal Childrens. She wanted to know if I would like to see him. After arguing with me about if I could walk or not (because of the epidural - which had worn off hours earlier) she finally brought in a wheelchair, and wheeled me to the special care nursery to see Theo. He was this purple splodge of a baby. Covered in wires and vernix. He was so swollen his little eyes were squished shut, and he looked like.. well, see for yourself.

The lead staff from NETS came over and explained that they were going to take him to The Childrens, and that I could meet them there if I was being discharged. She suggested that someone go with him, I immediately told Justin to go, and that I would be fine, and would make my way there somehow. They loaded Theo into the humidicrib, strapped everything down and wheeled him away. I have never felt such a gut wrenching sorrow before. He had been alive for over 5 hours, and I had yet to be closer than 4 feet away. I hadn't been able to touch him or hold him yet, and they were already taking my baby away from me. I knew it was the best decision I could make, but it broke my heart to see my little man like that.

Justin left with the NETS team, dad drove mum home, and I was all alone. Annabel came in to help me have a shower, which if you've never done while connected to a drip, and with a catheter inserted, is not particularly grceful. Afer my shower I felt like a whole new person. A no longer pregnant person with rips and tears to wazoo, but still. I settled into my new room (with a double bed!) and started working on Theodores birth certificate paperwork. I wandered the halls just to be able to walk. I called and text my family to let them know I was okay, anything to try and not lose my mind. 

Justin called near midnight to tell me Theo was doing well, all things considered, and they had him cooled and being monitored. Unfortunately though there was no bed for Justin to stay in, no couches for him to sit on, and wouldn't let him stay the night, so he had to leave. He was going to go home, but the thought of us spending another night apart when wwe didn't need to killed me, so I told him to come back to Box Hill to be with me. He arrived about an hour later after his amazing friend Matt picked him up and drove him over. The night nurse told me I needed to get some rest, and be able to pee on my own, before I could leave the next day, so I started drinking as much water as I could handle.

We finally fell asleep after talking and crying for hours, when suddenly it was morning and the day shift nurse came to wake me up. I was checked over, and given the all clear to leave, I just needed to see the physio to talk about after care, then we could go. Justins parents had driven to pick us up, and would take us to see Theo. Once discharged I practically ran to the car and was anxious to get to The Childrens to see Theo.

We arrived in the middle of morning hand over. We walked in with my bags and sat in the corner, patiently waiting. I did nothing but stare at my baby the whole while they were talking, so much so, that I didn't realise they had finished speaking. The lead doctor on that day sat down with us and explain Theodore's condition. He has suffered a HIE (Hypoxic-Ischemic-Encephalopathy) which is characterized by clinical and laboratory evidence of acute or subacute brain injury due to asphyxia. Essentially he's suffered an short episode of lack of oxygen, and may have brain damage as a result. We wouldn't know the severity of the episode until an MRI was done the next week.

Theodore's first day at The Royal Childrens Hospital. He has a breathing tube, heart rate monitor, nasal gastric tube, brain monitors, PIC line, cannula, umbiline, a rectal thermometer, and an O2 stats machine hooked up.

As The Royal Childrens (RCH) doesn't have an obstetrics department, and Box Hill had classed me as self discharged, the midwife at RCH was hesitant to allow me to stay in their Post-Nantal Mothers Unit (PMU), because they wouldn't be able to care for me. This meant I wouldn't be able to stay at the hospital and be with my son. Thankfully I have brilliant bargaining skills, and the midwife Elizabeth was an amazing lady, she found me a room to stay in for 6 nights. So I could be on call when I needed to express and feed Theo (He was on nil orally, so they would only feed him through his nasal gastric), and I could walk upstairs and see him whenever I wanted to.

We settled in to our room, and went back up to sit by Theo's bedside. I stared at him, for hours on end. Because he was being cooled, we couldn't pick him up, we could only touch him. I will never forget the first time I held him little hand, for as long as I damn well live. Just knowing that he was receiving the best care possible, and knowing that I could be there for him the whole time, really helped me keep my cool. 

Day two he had his breathing tube removed. The doctors and nurse were so impressed with how he was doing. He still hadn't known any signs of seizure, and was thriving. Justin would read to him, just as he had done while I was pregnant. The nurses kept asking what we were going to name him, because we hadn't decided on a name yet. 

As he improved, the staff removed more of the lines and monitors from him. They removed his umbi line, and his PIC line, so now he had a free hand. We were helping change his nappy and attend to his care. We would wipe his lips with Vaseline to help keep them moist and we would clean his eyes with saline soaked cotton balls. He was now able to have breastmilk via his feeding tube, and was opening his eyes and looking around. It was so amazing to think that this tiny baby, who in reality was actually twice as large as some of the other babies there, was finally starting to come alive.

The days went past until finally they had scheduled to start the rewarming process. This meant the bed he was lying on would be warmed up by half a degree every 2 hours until it, and Theo, were back to normal body temp. The whole process takes about 12 hours. Once warmed we were finally able to hold him. I had been looking forward to this day every since I found out I was pregnant. It was everything I had hoped for. Pure magic. It was as if my heart exploded with all of the love it had been holding onto since he was born. I couldn't talk, all I could do was cry. Then it was Justin's turn. His whole face lit up with joy, like his life was complete now. Those moments are some that I will never forget.

The next day the doctors ordered an MRI for little Pudge, to check for any damage to the brain, caused by the HIE. He was moved out of the main NICU section, to another part there, because he had improved so much, they decided he didn't need such intense care. We were still helping with all of his care, which was lovely. We helped him with his first bath, turns out he loves the water! 

The day after that (Monday) we had the scheduled MRI. Bubs needed to be incredibly still and calm for them to get all of the images they needed. I fed him just before he went in, and they dosed him with sucrose to make him dopey. Thankfully all went to plan, and all of the images were taken successfully. 

On the Tuesday, the doctors cleared him for discharged stating that the results from the MRI were clear, and there was no sign of any damage. Theo had a hearing test done, which he passed. Then it was homeward bound, or would have been. They had offered for me to go home from there, or go back to Box Hill for a couple of days. Now, having been in an NICU where your baby is constantly monitored, to going home by yourself is a daunting option, so I requested to go back to Box Hill for a bit of further education. All I wanted to do was practice breastfeeding, and give him a bath by myself. Big Mistake.

Apparently Box Hill was only expecting my baby, and not me. So when I arrived (with my mum who had been visiting at RCH) they had no room for me, and told me I should go home, and they would keep Theo there. Fat chance lady. Either I stay or we both go. After hours of them apparently trying to find me a room when they said there were none, they magically found an empty room. Now I had been lead to believe that I would have Theo in the room with me, and just have the help there if I needed it. No, according to them Theo would stay out in the nursery and I would be woken when he needed feeding. This is not what I wanted at all. how would I know when my baby was hungry? How would I learn to wake up to his noises and pick him up to feed him? 

The midwife on staff that night was a retched woman. She told me numerous times that I was holding Theo the wrong way, and that I should be good at this by now. I text Justin in the middle of the night I was so mad. How dare she! She was meant to be there to help me, not hinder me! 

The next morning at rounds, the doctors advised that we could go home in a few days, and they were very happy with Theodore's progress. A few days? No, we would be going home today. I told them that all I wanted to learn how to do was bathe Theo, then we wanted to go home. They were confused but understood and told me they would work it out. A couple of hours later I had a knock on my door, the doctors had organised it so we could go home today. The midwife taught me how to bathe Pudge (a terrible way, by the way), then after a short hysterical panic about lost keys, we were finally one our way home.

So even though it wasn't a great experience, the hospital didn't read my birth plan, my son was in the NICU all that jazz, I couldn't imagine life any other way. I now have a beautiful 3 month old son, who loves smiling at people and rolling over. My life is pretty awesome.


Thanks for reading my massive ramble. It was really cathartic to write it all down, and now I have it written somewhere to go back to, when I'm old and suffering memory loss. Or, tomorrow, when I'm over tired and forget what day it is.

Welcome to motherhood Jayde.

Love xx

Mumma T